A quick word about FIFA and conspiracy theories

In a word, conspiracy theories are generally lame.

First of all, this side of Jason Bourne, most people simply don’t possess the tactical acumen to put together anything more complex than lunch for four. And sometimes that gets tricky.

But more generally, conspiracy theories simply represent overly simplified and wrongheaded explanations for complex matters. When things go tragically bad, people lean on conspiracy theories to help explain the unexplainable. We can believe in man’s fallen and imperfect ways. What we can’t believe is that the otherwise benign forces of fate could be so consequential.

For instance, people still can’t get past the awful events of 1963 in Dallas because they don’t want to believe that one little, stupid man can, literally, alter global fate. Hence, the conspiracy theory, which helps carry us through the day.

So here we are, set and ready for Friday’s FIFA Draw. Yes, conspiracy theorists will abound, starting later today. Will they be onto something?

I say, "nah."

First, FIFA does "fix" the draw to a point. The suits from Zurich always decide who they want seeded, for instance, then back into the methodology to produce the desired group of 8. Then they "fix" the pots so that none of the heavyweights (sorry, France) will get in too much trouble. But there’s not really any sleight of hand here. That’s just FIFA manipulation. You might not like it, and it might not be as random as you like, but it’s not really a conspiracy, per se.

From there, it probably is a random draw – although it’s random within the parameters FIFA has set.

Past all that, theories of magnetized rings or hot and cold ping pong balls are just rather silly, in my opinion.

But rest assured, the theories will fly this afternoon like so many jets taking off from JFK. After all, not everybody can be put into a group with Honduras and Algeria.