Stupid questions about soccer

Lots of big things are going on in our little corner of the soccer world, and that is mostly a good thing. People are talking about the game, taking sides on issues and generally getting a little more glide in their soccer stride.

Yea, us!

Grant Wahl’s book has infiltrated the MSM (mainstream media) as the excellent SI writer wades through the media circuit mire, discussing his David Beckham-centric book.

Fancy-pants clubs such as Chelsea, Real Madrid, AC Milan, Club America and Liverpool are playing and training here, which further amplifies the level of passion from the diehards. The United States’ deep push into the Confederations Cup gave all the good soccer patriots reason to puff their chests.

So, take heart all ye 32-paneled fans. This is our time!

Alas, it does all comes with a bit of a dark side.

I know, I know. I can be a real buzz kill sometimes.

When the MSM finds time to stick a toxic toe into the clear blue soccer waters, something distasteful happens. It means another tired, beat-to-hell round of "What’s it gonna take for soccer to succeed in this country?" and "Has soccer finally arrived?" and their really mischievous cousin, "Haven’t we heard that soccer will be the sport of the future for 30 years now?"

That one, I particularly detest. If I hear it one more time, I seriously fear that it’s going to ignite my next dark period.

So, let’s just get a couple of things on the record.

This business of "Has soccer arrived?" and "What’s it gonna take … " they represent the laziest of cliched, journalist default questions. Seriously, what do those questions mean?

I mean, has Thai food "arrived?" Has yoga "arrived?" Has Gabriel Garcia Marquez "arrived?"

See what I mean? It’s a silly question. Things are what they are.

Soccer? As a professional enterprise, it’s clearly not as popular in the United States in 2009 as football, baseball and basketball. It’s more popular than hockey (no matter what anybody wants you to believe.) As a participant sport, it’s widely accepted and unquestionably popular. And that’s it.  Why does everyone always want to explore where soccer will go? What’s with the obsession over where soccer will land on the pop culture continuum?

Save your obsession energy for something more relevant and interesting, like garden gnomes or Street Fighter IV or wiling away the hours reading implausibly witty soccer blogs.

Take the Thai food example. Chinese food was once de rigueur on our shores. It was the thing, ya know? Then more folks discovered Thai food while simultaneously reaching the conclusion that most "Chinese food" here was really just overly sauced, cheapo, fat-laden crap masquerading as the real thing. So, more and more Thai restaurants have been opening.

So how come no one from the Fourth Estate ever sticks a microphone or digital tape recorder in someone’s face and asks, "What’s it gonna take for Thai food to ever really make it in this country?"

If I say this to someone who writes for a daily newspaper or does radio for a living, I know exactly how they will respond – because I have good friends to do these things.

They’ll say, "Well, we haven’t had people forcing Thai food down our throats for 30 years, telling us it’s the ‘food of the future.’ "

To which I’ll retort, "Honestly, man, when’s the last time anybody has really said that about soccer? And, seriously, who’s  forcing it down your throat?’ "

Nobody in soccer will ever say such a thing.  Not the leaders, anyway.  I am absolutely positive that MLS commissioner Don Garber nor U.S. Soccer president Sunil Gulati would never say something so nitwitted.

"Sport of the future?" That crap went out with acid washed jeans and jelly shoes.

The real problem with all these wayward queries is the implication that soccer requires some kind of validation from the cool kids table.

Well, screw that. Most people I know who play the sport or watch it or just accept it and glance occasionally toward it like they glance at other sports, none of them spend a second worrying about where it ranks on the totem poll of American activities.

Soccer is doing fine. It will keep growing. Slowly. Incrementally.

Major League Soccer is holding its own at a time when other pro sports leagues are looking for change in the sofas, if you know what I mean. Folks with lots of money are still fighting each other to pay $40 million franchise fees in the MLS expansion sweepstakes. Major networks like ESPN are in high-level bidding wars for rights to EPL and other soccer properties. Stadiums are going up. College programs are doing well. The youth game is thriving.

So, everybody on the outside can stop worrying about it.

Just relax. Have a mojito. Go eat some Thai food.

But if you do, puh-leeze resist the urge to command the table’s attention and nudge the conversation by asking, "So, what does everybody think: when will Thai food really arrive?"