Why, oh why, is Juan Carlos Osorio still employeed?

There may be someone in our blessed universe who can tell me why, oh, why Juan Carlos Osorio remains today under the employment of Red Bull New York. If that person does exist, well, I need an audience with them, because I've got questions in life that need answers.

There are things I simply must know.

Is time travel really possible? Is there ever a day when mattresses aren't on sale? What was the point of the polar bear on Lost? Who ever thought fanny packs were a good idea? Fanny packs! Seriously?

All of this is to say, I just don't get it with Osorio. I never did.  I always contended that his mad scientist tinkering would never work.  I had to temporarily check my doubt when the Red Bulls, in yet another mystery of the ages, someone found their way into last year's MLS Cup final. We suspected then and we know now that appearance was more of an aberration than that one day Simon Cowell managed not to be a jerk.

This team is stampeding toward historical MLS depths. Osorio's team could well challenge the pitiful 2001 Tampa Bay Mutiny for worst winning percentage ever. In its final year as a franchise, the sad Mutiny posted a .185 mark from a 4-21-2 record.

The Red Bull’s current 2-15-4 record (.190) is just slightly above the Mutiny Line -- which we may need to rename the Red Bull Line, depending on where Osorio and his men ultimately land in 2009.

After the 2001 Mutiny, the 1999 MetroStars and Chivas USA's 2005 expansion side both finished with a .219 mark. So, this year's Red Bull side seems destined, at least, to be the second-worst team ever statistically. How's that as big ol' buzz kill heading into the grand opening of a splashy new stadium in 2010?

The Red Bulls are on pace to finish with 23 goals, which would establish a new low-water mark for scoring in MLS.  Toronto’s terrible 2007 side  -- built and managed by a former Red Bulls coach, Mo Johnston -- team netted just 25.

Other notorious marks are in danger, too.  But you get the point.  The team is awful by any measure.  I suppose I could accept the fact that Osorio was being retained for the time being because it was the best chance  -- well, the ONLY chance -- at CONCACAF Champions League success. And progress in the Champions League, meager as it would be, was the club's only chance at any degree of achievement in 2009.  I might not agree with that strategy, but I could see the logic, at least.

But after the embarrassing Champions League loss to W Connection this week -- which meant Champions League elimination at the very first opportunity -- there can be no reason for Osorio to be around.  They should have taken his swipe card for Giants Stadium entry right there in the locker room that very night, thanked him for his best efforts to put the broken beast back together and moved on.

I've said before that I like Osorio personally. I believe he's a real gentleman. I just don't think his methods work in MLS. Constantly shuffling players in and out of the lineup, moving them around between positions, never retaining a set system.  Maybe it works in other leagues -- I can't really say.  But it doesn't work here.

I think in a lot of ways, he just doesn't  get it. Listen to what he said after the loss to W Connection:  "I'm not going to criticize any of my players," he said. "They know [how I feel]. I'm going to question some of their character and sense of urgency."

Wow. Clearly they don't believe in the club, the coach or the system. That's not their fault. It's his fault. He picked the players. He wrote their names into the starting lineup. He created an atmosphere where players couldn't possibly believe in the system -- because there really wasn't one.  He created such a cloud of confusion that only the most seasoned, confident veteran could approach a match with the requisite confidence and sense of collective belief that's essential for success in professional sports.

A Red Bull veteran told me not long ago that he was OK with the Osorio approach because, as he said, "I've been around long enough, and I've seen it all."  But he questioned how it would affect younger players.

Well, question no more. All the evidence anyone could possible need is in.

Say it slowly: It. Doesn't. Work.

All we're left with now is watching the completion of the train wreck, monitoring for league low-water marks and wondering, for the love of all that’s good, what Red Bull upper management can possible be waiting for.