An open letter to the good Mexican soccer fans

by Steve Davis on Aug 23, 2009 1:58 PM EDT

Dear, fans of El Tri

A bunch of my "co-workers" are coming down this afternoon, and I just thought I'd say howdy and tell you be on the lookout for them.

These co-workers, I think you know them. I write about them. Most of 'em are pretty decent guys. We get along OK.

: An open letter

But it seems like you've had some issues. Man, remember that time Luis Hernandez said he was going to kill Landon Donovan's mother? That was cold. I'm sure El Matador didn't mean it. Mostly.

Anyway, Donovan's cruising from Miami today with about 19 friends. They're getting in later than usual, then leaving early -- you can't be too careful with the H1N1, you know. (They say that’s not the reason. Who really knows?)

Can you believe it's time again? Another round of La Guerra Fria. The next chapter of La revancha en la cancha. You guys probably have a couple of other nicknames, but who can possibly keep up? I can barely keep track of which Mexican soccer player assaulted which American player over the years. Let's see, there was that time Rafael Marquez went all Jackie Chan on Cobi Jones in the 2002 World Cup. (I still can't figure out how that dude managed to head butt and flying kung fu-kick Cobi all at the same time. Good thing Cobi had all that slippery relaxer in his hair, otherwise he could have been hurt pretty bad.)

What did Marquez get, other than a well-deserved red card? Oh, yeah, a four-match ban. Not that bad, I suppose.

And what about that time your goalkeeper, Oswaldo Sanchez, tried to kick Eddie Johnson? And it wasn't even Johnson that had scored; he was just running over to celebrate with the scorer, Donovan. Good thing Sanchez can't kick any better than he could tend goal. I guess that's what they mean by a "Dirty Sanchez." I used to have a girlfriend who thought it was something else -- but never mind that right now.

Now, Ramon Ramirez -- that guy could kick! Ask Alexi Lalas. You guys remember that one, eh? I bet Alexi does. Ramirez got him right in the ol' border crossing, if you know what I'm saying. Lalas called it a "full frontal assault on my manhood." But I have to admit, signing a picture of it and sending it to Lalas, that was a nice touch. Good one, Ramon!

Yeah, good times. Seems like just yesterday those sneaky bastards at U.S. Soccer sent that bag of orange Nike balls down to the Mexican team before the 2001 qualifier in Columbus. You know, just in case. In case a cold and grim February day in Ohio turned into a winter wonderland of snowy white stuff. No one at U.S. Soccer really thought it would happen. They were just gettin' in your head a little.

You know, the same way Oguchi Oneywu got into Jared Borgetti's head in that 2005 qualifier. Borgetti's career seemed to go into decline right about then. Too bad, too, because that's the match that really escorted Oneywu's career to the next level. U.S. Soccer fans would have killed for that guy, after the way he stared down Borgetti.

It must have been really hard on the good fans of El Tri, seeing their all-time leading scorer tossed around like an Elmo Tickle Hand.

But no worries, guys. I'm sure the United States as a whole isn't "in Mexcico's head." On the other hand, it is weird that you guys chose an afternoon kickoff. On a Wednesday.

You guys did win the last contest. Put a serious 5-goal whoopin' on the Bradley Bunch. Showed them Yanks a thing or two ! Heck, a couple of those U.S. dudes might even be at the World Cup next year. Most of 'em -- not so much. But don't let that curdle your tequila. It was a well-earned win.

Win or lose Wednesday, you really should go ahead and agree to shake hands. That hasn't always been the case. Not sure why. I mean, surely people aren't still all twisted up over that silly deal in 2001, when Donovan took a wee your soccer field.

: Sometimes it feels this way. And it hurts, guys.

Ok, one more time, here's the deal: U.S. Soccer officials later explained the whole deal, even if they didn't do in very publicly, preferring not to enflame the whole thing again. It was a long bus ride through traffic. Donovan had to go. Just numero uno. It's not like he was dropping a duece or anything. So he went over behind some shrubs and cut loose. Simple as that. It wasn't any kind of symbolic show of disrespect. But a camera caught it and, whoa! What an outcry! You'd think the guy had graffiti tagged the Great Pyramid of Tenochtitlan.

Maybe it was the outrage over Donovan that prompted such a weird newspaper promotion. Remember that? A newspaper and Blockbuster (Blockbuster?) video stores in Mexico City distributed voodoo dolls to Mexican fans who were hoping to unscramble their miserable luck against the United States.

Hey, who was El Tri's manager when that happened? I forget. Was it César Luis Menotti? Or maybe Miguel Mejía Barón?

Or Bora Milutinović, Manuel Lapuente, Enrique Meza Enriquez, Javier Aguirre, Ricardo La Volpe, Hugo Sanchez, Jesús Ramírez, Sven-Goran Erikkson? It's so hard to keep up. All those dudes have been el jeffe of El Tri since the early 90s.

And the Javier Aguirre you've got now? He's the same one, right? The one you fired before? Man, you guys go through managers the way Tommy Lee goes through Cougars.

Hopefully, Aguirre will still be the coach on Wednesday. Because it's bound to be a good time. I don't mean a pissin' on the field, voodoo doll piercin', Kung Fu fightin', coach firin', crotch kickin' good time. I just mean a regular old, hootenanny of a good soccer game.

Cheers, guys. Let's all enjoy it together.

(P.S. … I know some guys at U.S. Soccer. I'll have 'em to make sure Landon goes to the bathroom before he gets on the bus.)

Your pal, Steve

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