Anger managment and the art of watching MLS soccer

I watch every MLS match. I get paid to do so, more or less. It's my job.

So I don't complain about a fabulous life, where a good percentage of my income is claimed by writing about soccer. And daddy told me all that "book schoolin' " would never amount to anything.

But I do have to manage this enterprise carefully, or I'll walk away from a weekend of watching MLS matches all twisted into a bitter knot, mad at the world, looking for a dog to scold.

It's all about two things -- a pair of issues that, in all seriousness, MLS simply must sort out sooner or later.

First, it's the quality of officiating. Second, it's poorly selected TV broadcasters.

I could write volumes, but I'll just give you a little insight into how my weekends typically unfold.

Seattle hosted Toronto at Qwest Field in the opener of seven MLS matches this weekend.  I'll watch 'em all, and I always look forward to it. This one even more than most; it's is round 24 of 30 and the playoff races are getting seriously caffeinated right now.

What a brilliant way to get the MLS weekend started.  I particularly enjoy watching the Sounders because of their attacking verve and because the Xbox pitch and Qwest Field, awash in green and alive in song and chant, provides such a brilliant backdrop.

I get my computer out for note taking (Microsoft OneNote rocks!) and I think, "Settle in and enjoy," Bring it on!

Five minutes in, I'm steaming like a Maine lobster.

Just 30 seconds into the broadcast and I've already put in my notes: "For the love of all that's good, can't this announcer get the best players' names right? Sounders announcer Kevin Calabro just referred to Dwayne De Rosario as "Dwayne Rosario."  OK, no problem.  Live and let live, right?  He just got a wee bit tongue tied.  Surely he knows the name of a former league MVP runner-up?  Then he called the man 'Dwayne Rosario' again.

Oh, mommy, make the bad man stop.

By the second minute, referee Jorge Gonzalez, who is consistently overmatched in his profession, is the bane of my days.  Toronto's Amadou Sanyang prevents a Seattle counter attack by simultaneously grabbing and tripping Freddie Ljungberg.  Never mind the high degree of athleticism sewn into such a feat.  But I'm thinking, "Well, this is interesting. We'll have a card right away."

Nope. No card. Gonzalez will be spineless on the day.

Later, Sanyang delays a restart. That, too, should be a booking. If nothing else, Gonzalez should recognize Sanyang as the same fellow who attempted to dry hump Ljungberg at midfield a little while earlier. Caution?

Nope. Just a talking to. Ridiculous.

I could go on. Suffice to say, many things go wrong in officiating over the course of an MLS match that drags down the overall quality.  I will watch them one way or the other. But they certainly are more enjoyable when properly managed by the man in the middle.

The refereeing might not make me so upset if it weren’t parlayed with the wacky or senseless words coming from broadcasters.

I should point out that there are some very good ones. Just not enough. Look, I'm sure Calabro is a good fellow. He's got a distinguished background in basketball.

But would anybody let Rick Pitino coach their pro soccer team just because he knows basketball? Of course not. Calabro doesn't know soccer well enough. When curious soccer fans check out MLS, it makes the whole operation look bush league when the announcer for the league's attendance leader does things like calls a referee's assistants a "side judge."  When Sounders right back James Riley floats in a piss-poor and utterly innocuous cross, well behind an attacker making a near-post run, a guy getting paid to call the match shouldn’t say something like, "And there’s a strong cross from James Riley that just misses his target!"

These details matter.

Anyway, it's like that every week in MLS.  I wish I didn’t get so frustrated over it all, but I sometimes do.  Because I think MLS has a lot going for it, and it’s not far from where it truly needs to be.  But the matches could be so much more enjoyable for fans everywhere if league officials would move with more urgency to correct these two blemishes.

Two matches, at least, each weekend will be dragged down by poor officiating, by a man in the middle who simply don’t have the chops to control matches. Two more will be ruined by chatty or careless announcers, sometimes by announcers who simply don’t do their homework, the worst sin of them all. 

I love my job, but many a Saturday night has ended with my dogs cowering behind the sofa.

Oh, well. It's nothing $125/hr on a therapist’s sofa won't be able to cure one day.