Re wearing red; An Open Letter to U.S. Soccer

Dear U.S. Soccer,

‘Sup, guys? I just got back from Salt Lake City the other day. Good to see you all there.

Sorry I had to murder a couple of players in the ratings. I’m sure I’m being yanked off Jonathan Bornstein’s Christmas Party list at this very moment. Nothing personal. Just part of the job. 

I tried to catch up with some of you at the post-game party, but I was out trying to locate some turpentine to mix with that weird near-beer they serve in Utah – you know, to put a little a little more snap, crackle and pop in the post-game proceedings.  Man, that stuff they sell there, back in college we called it "Kool-aide"

But beer issues notwithstanding, it was a big time. Salt Lake City  is a pretty cool place. And talk about good looking women. I’m not sure what they put in that Mormon water, but I’m telling you I haven’t seen that many beauties in one place since the last round of Dallas Cowboys cheerleader tryouts. (There are no losers there, just a dip in local peroxide sales along with a bunch of nice gals looking to pick up more shifts at Hooters or heading back for fall classes at the local community college.)

I’m sorry Saturday’s game didn’t sell out. In fact, I was shocked that it didn’t. I told a friend to go hurry up and buy his tickets the very minute they went on sale, lest he be left out in the cold Utah night offering hand jobs for a seat. Well, turns out, he bought four and got stuck with one of those $85 bad boys. Literally couldn’t give it away. True dat.

I wrote a little dealy about it last week at ESPN.com and something else on my little blog here. One of the responses I got was that ticket prices were too high. Fair enough, I suppose. But, a whole bunch of Salvadoran fans apparently didn’t think the prices were too high. Man, there was so much blue in the stands, I thought I was at a convention of Viagra salesmen.

Which brings me to the main point to this letter: more U.S. fans need to wear red.

Now, I know that sounds familiar. I know you’ve been asking fans to do that for years. Then again, a lot of people have been asking the NBA to shut down the sad sack Clippers for years, and nobody’s listening to that, either. (Team motto: Year 10 of a 3-year rebuilding plan!)

This jones for red seems easier than falling off the back of a truck. I mean: "Wear red! And spread the word!"

Colleges manage to get their fans to flash the team colors every Saturday all over our blessed land. Heck, you could spread the word among a bunch of Teamsters to start wearing yellow t-shirts and, before you know it, there wouldn’t be yellow wife beater at a Wal-Mart for 30 miles.

The thing is, you’ve just got to make it easier for fans to actually go red.

Luckily, ol’ Steve here has a few ideas for you. (I’m kind of an idea guy. The doggy PooTrap? Heard of it? It’s a little strappy that goes over your dog's arse and catches the pooh before it hits the ground. Yep, it was my idea. I was just a little slow moving into "implementation" phase and some Johnny Come Lately stole the heck out of my cash cow.)

Any-who, here are my ideas for getting people to wear red:

Sell some more red freakin’ merchandise! I visited one of the fan shops set up on sight at Rio Tinto. Uh, where are all the red shirts? One of them looked OK, if by "wear red" you mean "wear maroon."  Seriously, I can train my border collie to pick out colors, and you guys can’t distinguish between red and maroon?

I can. And I was never exactly a candidate to elbow my way into the Fab Five, if you know what I mean.

The other red offering available at the fan store had some funky black design around the crest that had absolutely nothing to do with soccer or the U.S. side. I mean, I guess it would be OK – if I moved to Berlin and started hanging out at Euro-trash discos.

Here’s something else: How about you have the darn team wear red every now and then? Do you even have a red kit anymore? I haven’t seen it in so long.

I’m looking at pics in my U.S. media guide here and red jerseys are as rare in the pages as an Eddie Johnson call-up these days.

All right. You’ve got a big game tonight at T&T, and I’ve got to get started on my next big idea.

So I’ll see you guys in D.C. for the next home qualifier.  My friends are going, too.  Say hi if you get a chance. They’ll be the ones in red -- so they should be easy to find.

Your pal and intrepid soccer journalist, Steve