Things not to do in South Africa

PRETORIA, South Africa -- Helpful tips from someone who knows. I have been almost two days, after all.

– Don’t mention the insects. I made that mistake this very morning. Trying to be a good Joe, I wanted the nice lady at my B&B to know they had a wee little ant problem. No biggie. Just give the ol’ spray or something, eh?

"Oh, my dear," she said a little amused. "You’re in Africa! You have much more fierce creatures to worry about here!"  Well played, ma’am.

– Don’t get cash. One member of the U.S. contingent, attempting to be sufficiently aware of his surroundings, still managed to be pinched by clever thieves as he withdrew cash from the ATM. He was distracted momentarily by a nice couple of locals, who managed to get his card and his pin without him ever knowing it. He seemed pissed off and impressed in equal measure.

 So, seriously. Don’t get cash. Hungry? Well, you have been putting on a few pounds. It's not gonna kill ya to skip a meal, eh? 

– Don’t bring any mascarpone cheese. They have plenty here already. Put it on everything.

– Don’t hang any cheese or anything stinky like that around your neck – it will only attract more flies. And they have plenty of those (read on about this one ...)  

That one probably only applies to certain place, like the serene Irene Farm, the placid dairy farm and lodge where U.S. press conferences are being held. The team is staying across the street at the hotel. Over here there is a nice café and regal outdoor spaces, but also lots of cows, not just for milking but also for tourists to ooh and moo over. And that means flies. Press conferences here are reminding humanity of an important lesson: you may be a rich and famous fancy-pants soccer star, adored by women and envied by men, but the flies don’t care. They still bother you, as Landon Donovan found out yesterday while trying answer questions.

I ran into my pal Kevin Blackistone, one of the really good eggs in the business. We were in the little Irene Farm grocery, poking around for goodies before today's press event. He found some little confectionery that looked like, well, he said it looked like "little dung pills." I told him in that case, don’t open it. It’s only going to attract more flies.

– Finally, this. When it comes to going potty in the FIFA media centers, uh, well let me say it like this: you can spend your spare change but you'll want to make your big purchases somewhere else, if you know what I mean. The portable environment just ain't right. Oh, and soap? Or paper towels? Nah. I guess they just didn't see any need.